Rowan Spazzoli

If there was a formula for friendship it would look something like this:

Depth of friendship = (shared experience)*(time)

As we grow older, we have less time available for building friendships. We also have less opportunities for shared experiences outside a work/professional context.

Today I got to spend the day with my old friends. The ones that I’ve spent lots of time and had many shared experience with.And even if I only see them once a year, the depth of friendship remains the same. And it can only get deeper.And even though I will make many friends in my life, these are the old friends. They’re the ones that know me. And they’re the ones that will be there for life

Image is from today at the rugby sevensPost title is inspired by the Jasmine Thomson song, “old friends” (both the original and the Jonas Blue remix)

One of my favourite concepts in psychology is that of “flow“. The term was coined by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi (how amazing is that surname?) in the 1980s and refers to the mental state where a person becomes fully immersed in what they’re doing. Furthermore, flow happens when the challenge a person is undertaking matches their skill. Csikszentmihaly has called it “the optimal state” and states that it is in this state that we are our happiest. His book called “Flow” is one of the best psychology books that I’ve read and his TED talk is a great intro to the topic. (I’ll probably have a post where I explore the topic more in depth soon).

Flow and Friends

I find that the best times spent with friends are when you’re able to engage in flow activities. For me these activities might include spending time together playing computer games, sports, or board games. Even conversations that are engaging and in depth would be considered as having “flow”.

And with one of my friends, the best flow activity is when we’re working on businesses together.

Alternatively, nonflow activities might be watching tv together, engaging in meaningless conversation or sitting around staring at our phones.

Shared Experience

Beyond being in the optimal state, taking part in challenging activities allows for the building of shared experience. This, combined with the quantity of time spent together, are the fundamental components of friendship.

So next time you’re planning on meeting up with a friend, don’t just go for coffee. Find an activity that you both enjoy and is sufficiently challenging and do that instead.

Image is from the Castle of Good Hope. I was there last week for a Brightest Young Minds reunion.

If you’d like to read another blog on building friendship, you can find one here.

I left high school just over six and a half years ago. Over that time I have had many amazing friends, but my friendship with my school friends still stands out as one of the most important. The group of five of us are incredibly close, and we are still a very central component to one another’s lives.

I discussed this last night with one of the team members over a whiskey and cigar on a balcony. We realized that our group has developed an unwavering culture of friendship, where we will make any sacrifice to see one another, no matter how small the window of time is. For example, I was in Joburg for one day last month and we managed to squeeze in a 7am breakfast just to see one another.

We also try to arrange a big trip for our group at least once a year. This year we rented a house in Wilderness for a week, next year we’re planning 10 days in Dullstroom and in 2019 we’re aiming to go to the Rugby World Cup in Japan.

Our whatsapp group has been going since 2012, and is active almost every single day. We discuss everything from our work lives to sport, and will regularly use to vent or tell stories.

This resolve and commitment to our friendship has created a self sustaining culture that will transcend any changes in our individual lives. We’ll make time for each other whether we have families, change jobs or are on the other side of the world to one another.

Almost seven years out of school and we have grown and shaped our friendship into the most beautiful shared experience. With these four people, I can unashamedly be myself and know that they will always be there if I need them.

I cannot wait for all the spectacular years of friendship to come

Image is from Beau Constantia’s wine tasting room. Earlier this year, one of the friends was down from Joburg for work and suddenly some time free. Naturally, I stopped what I was doing and we met up and had a wonderful afternoon together