Personal Development Archives

Be an asshole

It’s a counter intuitive piece of advice. “Be an asshole” sounds like you’re telling someone to be mean or hurtful. It feels like a move that might impact their reputation or affect their work.

But this advice resonated with me deeply today.

Why?

Well, in my professional life, my default setting is to help wherever I can. Do an intro when someone needs one, act as a reference on an application, give support on an idea when someone is launching a startup.

And this has brought me immense joy. It’s helped me form beautiful friendships and allowed to delight in the success of the people around me. I’ve gotten to cap my mentee at graduation, start a successful business with someone who just came for advice, and be a small part of helping someone get the biggest scholarship in the world. And with these relationships, the impact on me has been as much, if not greater than what the impact has been for them

There are two problems though. The first is in situations where the person only takes what they want before moving on. This (mostly) happens unintentionally, but can result in a negative cycle of resentment that becomes really hard to shake. And regardless of whether the person meant to do this to you or not, it can damage the relationship permanently and leave a really bitter taste.

The second problem is when you’re battling through a situation yourself and have a complete lack of capacity to help effectively. In this case, trying to help someone may actually push you into a state of burnout.

And this where the airline safety announcements get it spot on… Put your oxygen mask on before helping put the masks on people around you.

Because if you are incapacitated, there is very little help you can give.

And this is why, sometimes, you need to be an asshole. It might frustrate someone who needs you, or anger someone demanding your time. But if you don’t lay down your boundaries and care for yourself first, it leaves you incapable of being able to help the people that you really want to help.

So yes. Sometimes, it’s good to be an asshole.

Hey Asshole – Watsky ft Kate Nash

Published by rspazzoli on February 17, 2021 | Permalink

A whole new world

The last time I wrote on this blog, the world was a little different. I was in Joburg with my partner and family. We were at the Gauteng champs, watching my little brother row and the Springboks win in Japan. There was plenty of social contact, freely available alcohol and space to travel around the country.

Now, around 6 months later, none of that is possible.

We’re living in an entirely different world, where banana bread, home-brewed alcohol and Zoom calls are the new normal. And eventually the virus will pass but the world around us will permanently be changed by it.

This time has given me the chance to think. A lot. And one of the things I’ve thought about is finishing the 365 posts that I set out to do on this blog. I’ve got 8 left after this one, and it’s going to liberate me to write a different kind of blog once these are done.

I’ll also be taking the opportunity to re-do my website, as I’ve begun to change my career path slightly since the outbreak of the virus. The new website will go up on the day of the last 365 blog.

I’ve got so many ideas and so many things I want to pursue, and this is going to be the start of my journey.

Image was taken at the house in Claremont where I’ve been staying and features two members of my #quaranteam

Blog: 357/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey

Song of the day: Hey baby by DJ Otzi

Published by rspazzoli on May 10, 2020 | Permalink

The Last Mile

Two years ago I ran a marathon. A full marathon.

And the most difficult part of the whole event was the last mile.

There were hundreds of people cheering on the route. A friend waited at the last corner to shout my name. There were giant banners, cheerleaders, a brass band and race marshals all egging me on.

And yet it was on that last mile that I was closest to giving up.

Knowing that I was near the end was part of what made it so painful. The finish line seemed incredibly close and impossibly far away at the same time.

I made it over the line.

And I stopped.

And I burst into tears.

The last mile has always been a struggle for me. The last day of studying before an exam. The last bit of work to complete a goal. The last few blog posts in my blogging challenge.

It’s the last bit that is the toughest.

So after a lengthy break, and lots of time to reflect, I’ve become determined to learn to finish what I started.

My new resolution is to get better at reaching the finish line.

Welcome to the last 14 posts of my #365of25 journey.

Image is of a beautiful midlands escape that I got to experience with one of my favourite people

Blog: 352/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey 
Song of the day:  BORNS - Electric Love

Published by rspazzoli on July 16, 2019 | Permalink

Tie the habit to the addiction

The process of building habits fascinates me, which may be because I struggle to form good habits and break bad ones. I even got a book on the topic, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, which I would highly recommend.

I’ve also written about things that help me form habits. These include announcing your goals so that social pressure can influence you and committing to pay an amount if you fail to implement a habit.

Recently though, I’ve found another useful way to maintain a habit. And that is to tie a habit to an addiction.

This came about from my love of a certain smoothie store at the Waterfront food market. The smoothies are quite expensive, so I’ve been trying to ease up on buying them. However, I realized that I could use this addiction to my advantage. I’ve decided that I’m allowed to have one on any day, as long as I have completed 2 hours of thesis work before hand.

The obstacle to getting my smoothie isn’t massive (I considered making it 4 or 6 hours of work). Instead, it’s just the right amount of time for me to setup my work for the day and get some momentum. But not too much for me to completely stop my addiction.

So if you’re looking to start a new habit, look at something you’re hooked on. And tie your goals into that.

Use your addiction to your advantage.

Image was taken at the waterfront in October 🙂

Blog: 348/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey
Song of the day:Tie me down - Gryffin with Elley Duhe

P.s. I know I’ve been a bit slow on the blogs. But I’m still determined to get them done by the end of the year 🙂

Published by rspazzoli on December 20, 2018 | Permalink

Taming the Boggart

Have you ever had a fear or anxiety that can’t be explained? Something that materializes out of nowhere. It’s a dark shadow, and seems to adapt itself in to whatever might scare you the most. And it washes over you with a flood of anxiety at the least ideal moment.

These are the types of anxieties that other people would find weird. For example, I get really anxious when going shopping for clothes. I don’t know where this comes from. But I know that if I have to buy myself clothes I put it off for months, and then go into a mall with a very specific intention… to get one item and one item only

I chatted to my therapist this week about it and we came up with a great analogy for it. We called this fear “The Boggart” (from Harry Potter for those among you who are uncultured).

A boggart is an amortal shape-shifting non-being that takes on the form of the viewer’s worst fear. Because of their shape-shifting ability, no one knows what a boggart looks like when it is alone, as it instantly changes into one’s worst fears when one first sees it
– from http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Boggart

The fear or anxiety that we have in these situations might have no distinguishable source, or is as a result of a long forgotten memory. So it takes the shape of whatever might scare you most. Essentially, your own boggart.

And the best way to deal with a boggart?

Have someone else around to try and confuse it– this would involve speaking to a friend or therapist about it
Use the “ridikulous” charm – this requires firm concentration and turning the fear into an object of fun.

So when you’re next faced with your own personal boggart, don’t let it defeat you. Instead, bring someone in and highlight the ridiculousness of the fear. And pretty soon you’ll be able to water it down and wash it away.

Image was taken on the last day of packing up my old apartment

Blog: 345/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey
Song of the day: Ehrling - I feel good

Published by rspazzoli on November 7, 2018 | Permalink

The Special Day

“What are you going to be doing on your special day?”

This came up a few times today. Friends and family asking what exciting things I had planned for my birthday.

And to be honest, I hadn’t thought about it all that much. I’ve planned a dinner at the end of the week, but for my actual birthday I wasn’t too concerned with doing anything different.

“I hope you’re not going to be working”

Another common message I got today. That I should not subject myself to anything that I didn’t want to do.

But what I wanted to do today was pretty much what I do every Tuesday. It went something like this:

A morning coffee and some music
A phone call with my mom
Weekly therapist session
Some general admin (dropping off a box of donations, getting car things done)
Some thesis work
An interview with someone for my consulting project
Lunch at the waterfront (with friends)
A little bit more research and work
A sneaky visit to my uncle for tea
Spending time with close friends and having a few drinks
Writing my blog and listening to my favourite music

And as I started writing this blog I realised something.

That this was a special day. And it was also a normal day.

I realised that I’ve gotten to a point where every day is special. That I’m doing exactly what I want. And that I wouldn’t want to do anything different.

My work is part of the joy. My flexibility allows me space and time with friends. And the things I do every day light me up.

And so for my “special day” today I did exactly what I do every day.

And it was wonderful

Image was taken from my uncles apartment 🙂

Blog: 344/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey
Song of the day: Leventina ft Syntheticsax - Here workin' (Dinka Remix)

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Published by rspazzoli on November 6, 2018 | Permalink

Building our own barriers

I’ve spoken before on the blog about how we can be our own worst enemies, with two sides (or “wolves”) within ourselves competing with one another. And I’ve followed this up with a blog on how we should support both sides here, the ambitious side and the scared/broken side.

When discussing these, I’ve highlighted how the “bad” side has the potential to impact our goals and dreams. How it causes procrastination, laziness, sadness and frustration.

But it’s not just this side that can have a negative impact on us.

The ambitious side, the hardworking side, can also be very detrimental. It can set goals that are not viable. It can lock us in to a series of to-do lists that don’t allow us space to breathe.

We build obstacles for ourselves and get frustrated when we can’t overcome them. Even if they were unreasonable in the first place.

I think that’s the point that I’ve reached with this blog. I have 24 posts left to go, with only about a week left. And I’m starting to feel like I’ve failed. This results in me trying to push myself way over my normal limit. I keep promising myself 3 or 4 posts a day but get to the end of each day without completing any.

So again, as I have said before, I need to learn to be gentle with myself. There are 341 blog posts that have been written. And even if I don’t finish on the 6th of November, I will make it to 365.

And I’m going to be damn proud of myself.

Image is from the Cape Town City game this weekend

Blog: 341/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey
Song of the day:Seven Lions feat Fiora - Dreamin

Published by rspazzoli on October 29, 2018 | Permalink

Role Models: Dale Williams

Today’s blog post is about a role model of mine that I am very close to, Dale Williams. I’ve interacted with Dale in so many different ways. In 2014 I was a student in his course. In 2015 I tutored on the course and he was my boss. In 2016 I was his assistant on the course. And more recently we have become colleagues.

In addition to being my lecturer, boss and colleague, Dale has been a mentor, a coach, an angel investor, a consultant and, most importantly, a great friend.

I could give 50 reasons as to why he is a role model to me. But I’m going to settle on the 4 most important ones. His lean philosophy, his strategic insights, his humility and the support he shows… for everyone.

Reason 1: Lean Philosophy

Dale operates on a lean philosophy with most of the things he does, which are loosely based on the “Lean Startup” principles. This means that current work and new ideas are built on learning feedback loops (e.g. Kolbe learning styles) that allow them to be continuously improved.

The loops consist of roughly four components. The first is abstract conceptualization, which is having an idea of how things are currently done or could be done. The second is active experimentation, where the idea is tested before going our. The third is concrete experience, which involves implementing the idea. And finally, reflective observation, where the impact is analysed.

This results in being able to quickly and effectively implement new ideas. In the time I’ve known him, we have been able to improve the course in at least 20 different ways, mostly because of the rapidness of his lean philosophy.

Reason 2: Strategic insights

Dale uses a combination of a wide knowledge and a natural instinct to generate some of the most interesting and impactful strategic insights. He uses this when implementing his own ideas or when helping people with theirs. And I’ve been fortunate enough to observe and receive these insights.

For example, we once had a situation where a group of students were unhappy with an aspect of the course. The normal reaction from a lecturer here would be to push back or ignore the students. Instead, while he was gathering information about the issue he took time out to reflect. And in the space of just a few minutes, he decided on a path that was both unconventional and lead to the students being happy with the outcome.

Reason 3: Humility

Despite helping so many people, from students to executives at big banks, Dale always remains humble. He rarely name drops or sings his own praises. Instead, he highlights the work of others that have worked with him, and is quick to acknowledge their contributions.

Reason 4: Mentoring and Cheerleading

Finally (and most importantly), Dale is one of the greatest supporters/fans of people and their ideas that I have ever come across. As mentioned in my blog yesterday, he has inspired and taught me how to do the same.

Over the last four years I have watched him support many students and business leaders in their projects. He sits on the board of a number of student startups. He has given funding and invested in ideas and businesses (including my own). He consults and supports whenever he is able to (for free). And he will never hesitate to put you in touch with someone who could help you further

Dale is an incredible mentor, leader and friend. He is connected to the people around him, thinks critically and creatively, supports people and is humble.

And I can’t wait to continue learning from him.

Image is from Dale speaking at an event organised by a student last year

Blog: 340/365. Click here to read about my #365of25 journey
Song of the day:ID vs Mako - Smoke Filled Room

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Published by rspazzoli on October 24, 2018 | Permalink